I didn’t lose the baby weight.

Two years later, almost 26 months to be exact, despite trying Whole 30 and Paleo then shifting back to Vegan, spending hundreds of dollars on products, and also, by the way, training for a 1/2 marathon, I didn’t lose the baby weight.  In fact, I still have a LONG way to go.

And friends, I want to… I still want to lose the weight.

And I am trying.  Some days desperately, trying to lose that weight.  Every day I am so focused on what I can or cannot eat.  Or what workout to do.

And I am embarrassed.  I sit in a level of guilt and shame because of what people must think of me for having a two year old and still not being at my goal weight.  I ran into some college friends I hadn’t seen in 10 years and I was incredibly nervous to see them specifically due to my weight.  I see so many moms who bounce back from their baby weight gain in 8 like weeks and snap shots of their flat belly to post on Instagram…. I am SO not even close to that.

And I have anxiety.  Because I am afraid of food.  I am terrified I will never have the “how to lose weight” formula down. I am terrified that no matter what I do I will never lose weight.

And I am sad.  I am broken that I focus on my weight so much when so many women would simply be so grateful to have a baby and would gladly accept the baby weight I am complaining about.

And I am bored.  Bored of the same 4 outfits I rotate each week because I refuse to buy new clothes until I am down to the size I want.  I am bored of the same dreary feeling every single time I look in the mirror.

And I am missing joy.  Just an attitude of gratitude for all I have because I have wrapped so much of my self-worth in what size I am.

And I discouraged.  Because I know I am not the only woman in the world struggling with this image she sees of herself.  I know so many women who have gained weight due to stress, fear, medical conditions, babies, hurts, abuses, (etc) are valuing themselves each and every day by their dress size.

And somehow it all needs to stop.

This merry-go-round of emotions based off of what we see in the mirror, what size our jean label exclaims, what pictures on Instagram we compare ourselves to, or all the tips on Pinterest and health magazines that we tried… It all just needs to stop.

The fear, the hurt, the shame, the anxiety… Friends, that right there is the real weight we need to lose.

Because life won’t seem lighter, we won’t feel released from the burdens we carry, unless we somehow lose the weight of our fearful emotions.

I can tell you my biggest fear is NOT if I ever lose the weight….  My biggest fear is losing the weight but not losing the insecurity in my heart.

I somehow need to get my head to flip a switch and realize I CAN go through life and still be content and happy if I never lose weight but I cannot go through life anymore with the insecurity that gnaws, hits and fights at my mind.

Because at the end of the day my own self-perception is what is keeping me back from enjoying life.

Can I tell you something?  Until I get my heart figured out, I don’t think I will get my weight figured out.  I am convinced they are connected.  Because I spend a lot of timing telling myself what I am because of my weight, instead of spending a lot time telling myself who I am simply because I am a child of God.

For the mouth speaks what the heart is full of… – Luke 6:45 NIV

So, while I am trying to eat healthy and workout properly, I am taking the time right now to take care of my heart.  I hope some day I can stand before you and say “WOOT!  I did it!  I lost the weight!”  But what is more important to me is that someday I stand before you and say, “You see, I am imperfect.  I may never be the image I think I should be.  But I have gained freedom in knowing He created me in His image, and He takes joy in me.”

And that is lightness my heavy heart needs.

XOXO

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