Granted – I am never alone. Never ever ever alone.
There are kids in my bed when I wake up; their sweet, chubby arms thrown over my face. There are kids whose pitter-pats I hear down the stairs, calling my name, as I sit on the couch with my hot cup of coffee while quickly reading through my morning devotional. There are kids literally hanging on me as I try to cook breakfast, and lunch, and dinner and as I try to clean up from those meals, fold the laundry, and sweep the floor. There are kids banging on the glass shower door as I try to wash my hair and who follow me into the restroom when I try to take exactly 30 seconds to pee. There are kids laughing and giggling as we play games, hopping on my back when I walk past the couch, and crying “water is in my eye!” when they get a nightly bubble bath. There are kids hugging my neck after we say prayers and exchanging cuddles as we tuck them into bed.
My sweet babies are always there. I am never alone.
And yet, I feel alone. So alone. Every day. To the place my heart aches for fellowship, sisterhood, friendships, family…. I long for someone to be there.
Daily. I long for someone.
It doesn’t matter if you’re a stay-at-home mom, working mom, a mom with family close-by or far away, a mom with a babysitter, or nanny, or who is with their kids day in and out with no break…. I think mothering can be a really lonely job.
And if I am honest, I feel guilty for that. I feel guilty that my little clan is somehow not “enough” to take away this loneliness in my heart. With all the difficult aspects of being a parent, I think this feeling of alone is the hardest one for me to take.
And yet, I think…. I think, somehow, the loneliness is supposed to be there. Because in the busyness of parenting, the exhaustion, the elation, and the truly fun times, our hearts are called back to the Creator.
To remind us that we need Him. That our children need Him. That we can not make it through this journey of parenthood and raising tiny humans into lovely adults without Him by our side, guiding us, directing us, loving us, and giving us grace upon grace the whole way.
And maybe, without that loneliness in our hearts, we wouldn’t think we need Him. Or we would forget to rely on Him. Or we would look to everything else for our security instead of placing our hope solely in Him.
This might sound like an oxymoron but sometimes I think God allows us to feel alone so we realize we aren’t alone. So deep calls unto deep and floods our hearts time and time again as we worship, and praise, and call on His name. So when we feel alone, as we enter His gates, we realize we are never alone.
Being a mother is by far the hardest job/experience/life I’ve ever had. It’s also been the loneliest. But if it calls me to my knees, seeking His face, and praying His presence over my children and my family’s life, then I call loneliness my friend and embrace it as a gift.
So, sweet Momma, if you feel alone tonight rest in this: you are never alone, He is just calling you unto His own.