the weight of my weight weighs on me


I don’t mean to fool you but this isn’t a blog post about weight loss.  

It kinda is.  But it is not….  Here’s why:

My son came home with a note from the school the other day.  I opened it up as he dropped his backpack and went to grab a snack before we started his homework.  The note stated my son had “qualified for free student lunches for the following reason/s”: Homeless.

And the words hit my soul to the quick.


My son was considered homeless.  We are considered homeless.

And it broke me.

To be sure we aren’t suffering.  At all.   We have stayed with family or friends or hotels in the last 8 months as we have traveled from place to place doing work and also looking for work.  We’ve never been on the streets.  We’ve always had food.  My son was still able to go to school and we were able to buy him some shorts and shirts and a cute backpack.

We aren’t suffering.

But we are struggling.  And I will admit it’s sent me to brokenness over and over again.

And it opened my eyes more to: the man standing on the street, disheveled by this world.  Holding his sign and baring his hurt in transparent humility as he asks for a help.  The couple curled up on a dirty blanket in an empty ravine.  Clutching each other and trying to sleep as the world literally drives right by them.  The single mom in the grocery line with her small kids, anxiously watching as the food she needs to feed her babies is tallying up to more than is in her hands… and her embarrassment as she asks the cashier to take some of the items back.

It has made the reports of children being buried alive in the rubble of a Syrian war, the desecration of make-shift homes in Haitian villages during Hurricane Matthew, and the brutal rape and murder of a ten year old girl weigh so heavy on my heart I can barely sleep.

The compassion this world needs is monumental.  And we are missing it.

Life was like this before our small plight but I see it and feel it MUCH more keenly now…. how much compassion and grace and love that this world needs to be rushing, full force, to those in need.

And I think we are missing it because we overwhelmed with things that don’t matter in light of eternity…..

Personally for me I think this means I have spent SO much time worrying about my weight.  How much I weigh?…  Which diet should I do?…  Will I ever be worthy for anyone or any opportunity unless I look a certain way?…  Such a vain insecurity that has plagued me since a child.

I have spent a life with my weight being my heaviest burden.

And if I think of it all now, I think it’s been merely a distraction.  A distraction to keep me from what I am supposed to be focused on: the people Christ needs me to race to and show them His love.

And so… the weight of my weight weighs on me.

Meaning, the heaviness of this burden I have carried for years hits heavy on my heart… Because how much have I missed.  How much have I missed in offering to help others while I spent so much time insecure, crying and worrying about my size.

Don’t misunderstand me friend: I want to be healthy.  I think it’s good to work out and eat clean and take care of this body and temple.

But I wish I would just get up, go work out, eat well, and not spend hours researching diets and eating plans and how various herbs can help speed up your metabolism.

Instead, I wish I wouldn’t have let myself been distracted with me, and rather be caught up in serving and helping those who are SO much in need.

I believe we are all called to serve.

If we have a home, food, and a car we are doing infinitely better than most people in this world.  Did you catch that?  Those few things make us so wealthy.  And I truly believe God wants use what we have been given to serve those in need.

The things that distract you and overwhelm you in life may not be your weight.  But it may be your clothes, or your home, or your car, or your success.  I don’t say this to be like “shame on us” but rather shame on the enemy for using such small things to make them big and distract us from the calling God has to go into every man’s world and serve them.

It took being “homeless” for God to open my eyes to what I was so easily being distracted with…  I believe in self-care but I want to get past this self-focus I have.  I want the weight of His heart to be on mine and may it cause me to help carry the weight of others in need.

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