To my littlest loves,
I won’t lie – Momma has had a messy life.
Of course I’ve had my joys and triumphs (of which you are my greatest) and I don’t want to undermine those accomplishments. Those are beautiful and good and I am so grateful for them all.
But I want to take a moment today to talk to you about the messy times in my life. The hard days. The bad moments. The mistakes.
Because I have made a lot of mistakes. I have been weak when I should have been brave. I have said “yes” when I should have said “no”. I have outright sinned even though I knew it would break God’s heart (and even my heart as well).
And people have made hurts against me. They put me down. They put me out. They made me believe some things about myself that weren’t really true. And I let them do it.
Some of my messy life has been my own fault. Some of it has been situations I was put into.
And let me tell you something about a messy life…. It can be just what “messy” sounds like: chaotic, hurtful, dirty, heavy, and overwhelming to get past it all.
Messy is never easy. Messy never looks like good. Messy is hard.
But can I tell you about the true beauty of a messy life? Somehow, in the mess, you find God.
You push the piles and heaps away and you see that He is somehow in the brokenness and despair. He is right in the middle of the hurt and confusion. His grace and mercy draw you closer to Him because you realize His love is bigger than all the mess.
You are all still so perfectly little right now. I know most of the pain you’ve known so far is simply from a fall off your bike or losing a round of Uno. But as you grow older, your tender hearts will start to feel some of this mess the world can bring. It will bend and weave at you some days and you won’t really understand it all. I wish I could shield you from everything but it is a part of humanity; someday, you will feel like your life is a bit (or even a lot) messy.
But I hope you can look back at my life and see Momma went through it too. She knows what it is like. And through it all she survived. Because her faith, even if it waned at times, never gave up because she found God in the midst of it all.
Babies, I hope when you look back at my messy life you will see God.
And I hope it is a testimony and encouragement to you that He will see you through too.
Because He will. He has always been faithful to me and He will be to you. Despite the mess, never let Him go.
I love you more than I can say,